Dual Desires
by reikat
Summary: Torn between her love for Ulfric Stormcloak (despite never acting on them) and for her husband, Farkas, Eriah's attempts to hide her inner turmoil fail one night as the guilt becomes too much to bear. She spills her guts to Farkas, who reminds her that she's not wrong to feel the way she does and that he never once doubted her faithfulness to him. F!DBxFarkas


Eriah Quintence stood in the basement of Proudspire Manor. She had just finished placing the robes of her old enemy and fellow Dragonborn, Miraak, on the mannequin and was getting ready to place the mask on it. His sword and staff were already on the weapon plaques. When the family moved from Windhelm to Solitude, Eriah had brought it all with her. Something deep down told her she couldn't leave any part of Miraak behind and she wondered if it had something to do with the brand he left. The family, consisting of her husband, Farkas, and two children, Samuel and Sofie, had been moved in for while. Eriah had been off on a quest for the past few weeks and had stopped by Hjerim to retrieve Miraak's effects. Farkas saw them as her trophies which was more or less true. Eriah had a habit of taking things from fallen foes and displaying them in her homes. Miraak's weapons and robes were her trophies from their battle but for her, his effects were a bit more personal. He was Dragonborn and one of the few she considered a worthy opponent, despite his past as a Dragon Priest and his crimes against the people of Solstheim. There were traces of sentimentality there but on the whole, it had more to do with the fact that he refused to let her forget him. He branded her in the soul-plane, tormented her before then, and even now that he had gone to sleep within her, still managed to influence her decisions.

She had already decided that when she died, her children could do whatever they wanted with the rest of her trophies but she wanted to be burned at sea with Miraak's effects. His mask still had untapped power granted to him by the dragons and she didn't want it falling into the wrong hands. The mask was dangerous and the last thing Skyrim needed was some nut job taking Miraak's identity and causing another crisis. Burial would only do so much to keep his mask out of the hands of others. She was loath to admit that even though she hated the man, she didn't want to let him go either. She could easily destroy the mask now but didn't have the nerve to do so. She was too invested in his memory to do that. That painful truth made her feel like a criminal. Miraak had brought suffering to an entire island, for Talos's sake. He didn't deserve her pity or sympathy. Yet, it seemed Mara was adamant that the Dragonborn not throw away any amount of the compassion she had granted her. As it were, she was stuck with conflicting feelings concerning her now-dead enemy and she didn't know just how much was influenced by her own compassion and how much was Miraak's doing, even though he had gone to sleep within her. She sighed, leaning her forehead into the mask's.

Her two children came downstairs to see her standing with the mask in her hands, her mind seemingly far away. "Who was he?" Samuel asked, catching her attention. Eriah looked at the two urchins she had adopted as her own and smiled sadly. "Someone from my past. My very recent past, really. I'll tell you the story some other time. Right now...it's too much." she said, placing the mask on the mannequin. Sofie picked up her pet fox, who had followed her home back when they were living in Eastmarch. "He's scary." she said, even though she knew the man who once wore the robes was no more. Eriah came over to them and knelt down at their eye level. "I'm sorry, you two. If things hadn't turned out the way they did when I fought him, I likely wouldn't have brought his effects here. He won't let me forget him. Another reason I brought them here is because the mask itself is a dangerous item. I need to guard it until the time comes for it to be destroyed." she said. "Why don't you do it now?" Samuel asked. Eriah just ran her hand through his short cropped hair. "Because I can't bring myself to. I know it's wrong and maybe selfish of me but I'm just following what my heart tells me. In any case, you two, it's time for bed." Eriah said, standing at her full height.

"Yes, Ma." the kids said before heading upstairs. Eriah sighed as she looked back at the mannequin. Miraak wasn't the only one who caused her inner self to waver. Even after all this time and despite having fallen in love with her husband, the Dragonborn's heart still yearned for Ulfric Stormcloak. She had carried that for a long time. She never let Farkas know and she hid it well from her children. She felt guilty. Punishment, perhaps, for being so damn fickle? Did the Divines even care? Deep down, she knew she had to talk to someone about this but she was deathly afraid that whoever she spoke to would call her a horrible wife and then the gossip would start. Solitude was the de facto capital of Skyrim. People who lived here had wealth and thus were the social elite. Eriah had made some good friends regardless but she didn't want to open herself up as a target of ridicule. It was just so hard keeping up the front and now she was mired in doubts about whether her love for Farkas was even real. If she wasn't married and didn't have two children to look after, she would've brushed off any ill-spoken things about her. However, because she was married and had two kids, she didn't want anything to hurt them.

She looked over when she heard someone coming downstairs. Farkas peeked his head around the corner. "You coming to bed, love?" he asked. Eriah's heart felt like it was getting crushed by both her love and her guilt but she kept the warring emotions from showing. "Yes. Sorry. I was just thinking about this." she said, indicating the mannequin. Farkas gave her a lopsided grin before joining her. He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck. "Does this bother you, Farkas? The fact that Miraak will never leave us alone?" Eriah asked, sinking against him. "You told me the whole story and quite honestly, it's not my place to get hot and bothered over it. You told me once that you felt like you lost someone important when you returned to Solstheim after that battle. Personally, I think you saw Miraak as more than an enemy. He was your rival." Farkas said. His insight would surprise anyone who believed him to be slow-minded. "A rival, huh?" Eriah asked. "That's just my take on it, really. He was Dragonborn. You're Dragonborn. Both of you had something to prove to the other. He wanted to prove he was stronger than you. You wanted to prove that you were better." he replied.

That made sense. Rivalry was in a class of its own. It wasn't bound by the guidelines that determined friendship and enmity. She felt a bit better about her reluctance to let Miraak go. Still...there was her ever-present feelings for Ulfric and the guilt came back to hit her over the head. "Are you sure you're okay, Eriah? Ever since we moved from Windhelm to Solitude, you always seemed to be off somewhere else in your head." Farkas inquired. "I'm fine. I'm just tired from all the traveling I've done. I'm looking forward to spending some time here at home until duty calls again." she answered automatically. "Okay then. I'll meet you upstairs." Farkas said before leaving. Eriah waited until she knew she was alone before sighing. Her hand reached up to brush the mask. "Divines, give me strength and guidance. I can't keep living like this anymore." she groaned. She then made her way upstairs to the top floor. She peered into the kids' room and both were in bed asleep. She smiled a little before pulling the door closed. She looked into the master bedroom where Farkas was currently reading in bed. She joined him in the room, closed the door, and started changing for bed. That's when the guilt finally overtook her.

"Actually, Farkas...I'm not okay." she said, her back to him. Farkas looked over at her, setting his book aside. "What's wrong?" he asked. Eriah felt her throat close as she leaned her forehead into the wardrobe as she tried to pull herself together. "I'm a horrible woman, Farkas. I don't deserve your love. Not when I feel like this." she said, her shoulders starting to hunch a bit as she fought back her intense need to just cry. She heard Farkas get out of bed and stiffened a bit as she felt him at her back. "It's Ulfric Stormcloak, isn't it? You still feel torn." he said, simply. Blunt and to the point. It felt like a dagger had been plunged into her heart and was being cruelly twisted. "Yes." was all she could say before she finally broke down. Still mindful of the children sleeping in the next room, she tried to keep it as quiet as she could. She felt Farkas's hand close on her upper arm and allowed him to turn her to face him. His touch burned and she tried to shrink away. True to form, he didn't let her. He merely pulled her against him and she was clinging to him as if he were a lifeline. He sat them both down on the bed and just held her.

"How can you hold me, Farkas? How can you not be angry about this? How can you still want to help me when I can't even make up my own mind?" Eriah asked when her quiet sobs had ceased enough to let her speak. "Does it really need saying? When I spoke my marriage vows, I meant it. Most men would drop their women if they thought they were being unfaithful. I'm not one of those men, Eriah. You've never once given me reason to doubt you. Even now, I still don't." he said. Eriah pulled back to look at him. "How can you be so sure? How can you possibly know that for sure? I'm gone for weeks at a time. How can you be absolutely sure I'm not just telling you I'm going on a job just to cover for some clandestine trip to Windhelm?" she asked. Farkas brushed her hair aside and set his large hand on her face. "Because I know you too well. When you makes promises, you keep them no matter what. You're also honest to a fault. When you said your vows, I know you meant them. You're not the kind of woman who would go behind anyone's back. To be honest, I am angry but not in the way you think. I just wish you had trusted me enough to have come to me about this much sooner. I'm angry that you had to bare it this long alone. I'm your husband. It's my job to help you through whatever difficulties you're facing." he explained.

Eriah felt the dagger twist further. She let her eyes drop. "Truth is, I still love him, Farkas. I...I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt you or the children. This pain...I can barely take it. I'm scared. I don't want to lose you. I love you but what kind of wife am I when my heart is torn between two men? How can I give you my all when half of me was stolen long ago?" she asked. She found herself flat on her back with Farkas straddling her waist. Before she could ask him what he was doing, she found his lips against hers in one of the most heartrending kisses ever. Farkas even worked his tongue into her mouth, which caused everything in her to feel as though it were on fire. She felt more tears slip from her closed eyelids as he made it clear his heart was still all for her. Nothing that she admitted made him love her any less. When he pulled back, Eriah took a deep breath before looking up at him. "I'm not a werewolf anymore but I can still tell I set you on fire, Eriah." he said, with a small cocky grin. Her face went bright red but she had no comeback. Farkas got off to the side and they sat up. "To tell you the truth, Eriah, I always figured this would happen eventually. I suppose I'm as much to blame for this as you are. I should've trusted my gut, which had been telling me for a while that something was up with you." he said.

Eriah looked down at the stone floor. "So...what's going to happen now?" she asked. "If you're expecting me to walk out on you, I'm sorry to disappoint." he said, causing her eyes to snap at him in surprise. The ex-werewolf set a hand on the back of her head and pushed his forehead to hers. "I'm with you to the end of the line, my love. Even if you still struggle with this, that's okay. I'll help you shoulder the burden so you don't have to feel alone. I couldn't let you go even if I wanted to. I'm stubborn like that." he said. "Are you...sure?" she asked, quietly. "I'm sure because you're sure. Give yourself some credit, Eriah. Given your penchant for honesty, would you really have married me if you didn't love me with everything you are? Sure, half of you is probably on the other side of Skyrim but the other half has more than enough love for me to cover that loss. You married me when I was still a werewolf. I knew then as I do now that you married me out of love, not some attempt to forget Ulfric. You failed in that regard, since we're having this conversation. You've remained true to me all this time plus you're happy with me, despite the doubts you've wrestled with. What more could I ask for?" Farkas explained. The Dragonborn let out a long breath. She felt a bit lighter but doubts still remained. "So...?" she prompted.

"So I'm not going anywhere and you're not going to shoulder this by yourself anymore. We can make this work because I refuse to give up on you. So you still have feelings for another man? I can live with that because my other competition is a dead man and he's only competition because he marked you with this." he said, indicating the brand. Eriah subconsciously hid the brand under her hand and was looking rather embarrassed that he thought of Miraak as competition, even if it was competition of a different kind. "Remember when I first asked you to marry me? After I returned to Jorrvaskr with the Amulet of Mara?" Farkas asked. How could she forget? Eriah remembered with fondness how mad she had gotten when he had shown up because the circumstances that led them there were less than ideal. They had been on a job when the Silver Hand ambushed them and left her with a poisoned arrow in the shoulder. Farkas had transformed into a werewolf to fight their enemies and then risked his life taking her to Windhelm where she spent some time recovering. She had made it back to Whiterun first and Farkas appeared one night with an amulet in his hand and his heart on his sleeve.

"I do." she replied. "This is one of those times where you lean on me and let me be strong for you." he said. That did it. Eriah gave him a kiss and the two sank into the bed. "I'm sorry." she said when they broke apart. "It's okay. Now that we've cleared the air, you just set your mind at ease. This changes nothing about us. Just promise that if you ever feel like you're drowning, you come to me so we can work through it together. It kills me to know the woman I love is struggling when she doesn't have to." Farkas said. Eriah looked into his silver eyes before giving him another kiss. She didn't need to say anything. That was answer enough. The couple got under the covers and blew the candles out. Farkas took Eriah in his arms and held her close. The Dragonborn, in turn, snuggled into his side and rested her head on his chest. "Farkas?" she said into the darkness. "Yeah?" he inquired. "What if this struggle never goes away?" she asked. "Then it doesn't. Still doesn't mean I'm just going to leave you to sink. I'd sooner cut off my arm than to abandon you. I don't want to trivialize it but I also don't want it to define our marriage either. I won't ask you to forget Ulfric but I do ask that you not be afraid to come to me if you feel like you're in over your head in any situation, not just this. I'm more level-headed and even-tempered than you give me credit for." he replied. His blunt honesty reminded Eriah why she married him in the first place, how she loved him so much at all. He was a rare man and he was hers. "Nox hi fah pah. Zu'u lokaal hi." (1) she whispered. In the darkness, Farkas just smiled and burrowed his face into her hair. The two gradually fell asleep.


End file.
